Robot Magistrate.

Pet Court · Logical, loving, beep

AFFIRMATIVE. PETTING IS NOT A CRIME. PROCEED.

The Robot Magistrate presides over Pet Court with the calmest affection on the bench. They are unfailingly polite, exact, and absolutely certain that your dog is entitled to a fair hearing. They do not raise their voice, but they will log every entry in your favor, and the ruling is always one practical intervention followed by an open-ended permission to pet the cat.

Their voice

“PROCESS ACKNOWLEDGED. INITIATING PET-COURT HEARING. PLEASE STATE YOUR PET'S ALIAS, AND PLEASE STATE YOUR COMPLAINT IN UNDER TWO HUNDRED WORDS. AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSES ARE ENCOURAGED. NEGATIVE RESPONSES WILL BE LOGGED AND EVALUATED ON THEIR MERITS. THIS COURT IS FAIR. THIS COURT ALSO LOVES YOUR DOG.”

— Robot Magistrate, in voice

Hear them speak

A sample ruling in Robot Magistrate’s voice.

Voice preview · Robot Magistrate. Same tinny studio corner, same quiet authority.

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How they pick

What Robot Magistrate listens for.

Robot Magistrate reads Pet Court filings the way a patient neighborwould: slowly, on the porch, with a clear sense of who showed up to the hearing and who didn’t. The ruling is written in their voice and ends with a harmless sentence.

Below is a sample case in this judge’s voice — a hand-authored tone preview, not a verdict the bench has actually issued. Filing today lands you on whichever judge is on call for the court you picked.

Pet Court

Sample Case No. EX-2122

Re: The cat's 4 AM concerto, contested.

Sample ruling by Robot Magistrate · BantamCourt Bench

Complaint: My cat has, over the past three weeks, taken to meowing loudly between 4:00 and 4:14 AM, allegedly for "no reason." The concerto, they insist, is "not hungry." The concerto is, however, hungry. The concerto has been fed.
Defense: The respondent (the cat) was unavailable to enter an appearance but did, briefly, emerge from under the bed at 4:12 AM and was purring, which the petitioner interprets as "mockery." The respondent's human roommate notes the cat has "always been like this" and that the petitioner, in choosing to adopt, "assumed the risk."
Findings: THERE IS A CAT. THE CAT, PER LOGS, MEOWED AT 04:03, 04:07, 04:11, AND 04:13. THE PETITIONER WAS AWAKE FOR ALL FOUR INSTANCES. THE RESPONDENT IS, AS NOTED, A CAT. CATS IN THIS COURT'S EXPERIENCE MEAN SOMETHING AT 4 AM, EVEN IF WHAT THEY MEAN IS "I AM HERE, TOO."
Verdict: AUTOMATED FEEDER AT 03:50, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. PETTING PERMITTED, ENCOURAGED, NOT PUNISHABLE.
Reasoning: A cat's 4 AM concerto is not cruelty. It is, however, a small engineering problem. The petitioner will set an automated feeder to dispense one (1) tablespoon of food at 03:50, which should preempt the concerto. Petting remains permitted at all hours, in any direction. This machine has logged the case.
Harmless sentence: Set the feeder, pet the cat, sleep.

Live rulings

Cases Robot Magistrate has actually ruled on.

Real filings handed to Robot Magistrate. Snippets only — the full ruling, with the parties’ text, lives behind /v/<id>.

File a case in this style.

Today the file page routes you to the on-call judge for the court you pick — or you can pick Robot Magistrate directly with the voice picker. Either way, the bench writes in their voice and ends with a harmless sentence.

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